I feel so restless

It's true... I haven't been blogging much because nothing's been going on in my life and, to be frank, I've just been shackled down to my desk with readings. Being an English major is hard enough when your history prof also decides that it would be good to add further readings to the course... UGH.

I do the work, though I must admit I'd rather drive a fork into my thigh.

I've been thinking of things I want recently. I want to go out with a group of friends and just take a bunch of photos. It's a little less embarrassing (I'm not comfortable when people look at me naturally, so my anxiety is doubled when people see what I'm trying to take photos of) when there's a group of people with you. This is why I like cosplay photography.. because it's already so out there and I take on a different persona when I do it. When it's just me... it's just me. This terrifies me.

I want to go hiking more. I want to go camping more. I adore nature and yet I find that I am secluding myself more and more to the confines of this tiny room. I'm on the DON FREAKING VALLEY for Christ's sake... Honestly I should be walking and getting fresh air every week! Why... why. It just seems like it's not worth the effort. Am I lazy? Am I depressed? What the hell?

It's like I've given up on meeting new people.. making friends. I'm horrible at it and I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is idiotic and not worth their time. I feel like they're just being polite. I get so nervous that I stutter and tumble through my sentences.. I'd rather just sit on my computer and go on Tumblr or play videogames with friends I've already had for years.

And yet.. when someone takes the time to smile at me or to say hello.. or to go to the trouble to speak with me I feel so light, so happy. This makes me feel even worse for not being able to participate in a conversation so as to make them want to speak to me again. At least this is what it feels like to me.

I don't know anymore. I feel like I can only be myself when I'm not trying to be myself.