I feel so restless

It's true... I haven't been blogging much because nothing's been going on in my life and, to be frank, I've just been shackled down to my desk with readings. Being an English major is hard enough when your history prof also decides that it would be good to add further readings to the course... UGH.

I do the work, though I must admit I'd rather drive a fork into my thigh.

I've been thinking of things I want recently. I want to go out with a group of friends and just take a bunch of photos. It's a little less embarrassing (I'm not comfortable when people look at me naturally, so my anxiety is doubled when people see what I'm trying to take photos of) when there's a group of people with you. This is why I like cosplay photography.. because it's already so out there and I take on a different persona when I do it. When it's just me... it's just me. This terrifies me.

I want to go hiking more. I want to go camping more. I adore nature and yet I find that I am secluding myself more and more to the confines of this tiny room. I'm on the DON FREAKING VALLEY for Christ's sake... Honestly I should be walking and getting fresh air every week! Why... why. It just seems like it's not worth the effort. Am I lazy? Am I depressed? What the hell?

It's like I've given up on meeting new people.. making friends. I'm horrible at it and I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is idiotic and not worth their time. I feel like they're just being polite. I get so nervous that I stutter and tumble through my sentences.. I'd rather just sit on my computer and go on Tumblr or play videogames with friends I've already had for years.

And yet.. when someone takes the time to smile at me or to say hello.. or to go to the trouble to speak with me I feel so light, so happy. This makes me feel even worse for not being able to participate in a conversation so as to make them want to speak to me again. At least this is what it feels like to me.

I don't know anymore. I feel like I can only be myself when I'm not trying to be myself.

Goals for 2013

Happy 2013 everyone! 2012 was an interesting year for me and since I made a resolution post last year, I figured I'd continue with this year as well:

• Fashion and style. I want to learn different more hairstyles and expand my makeup collection. I need to learn how to wear different looks, so that I look a little more polished for each occasion. ( ˘･з･) It would also be nice if I could improve my wardrobe a bit.. and buy outfits rather than mix matched pieces.
• Work habits. I need to quit procrastinating and focus more on my studies. ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ
• Peace of mind. I want to try and stop getting jealous over small things and start being happy for the achievements of others.  Especially when it comes to looks. ヾ(・ε・。)
• Lifestyle. Basically stop being a lazy bum and start exercising more often! ┌(_Д_┌ )┐

I also tried fixing the way I speak so that it's proper English, attempts at socializing, improving my blog and working on appearing nicer in cosplay photos.

I think overall I did well in my main goals. I feel as if I've improved in my self-esteem a little which means I'm more confident in myself and less prone to becoming really depressed about others. It still happens on occasion, I'm still working on it, but I can say I'm generally a happier person than I was last year.

In terms of exercise I've lost a total of 20 lbs. I was a solid 150 lbs during Otakon 2012 and now I'm sticking around the 130 mark. I've kept it off with minimal exercise and just healthy eating. No more junk... kinda. ;9 I think it's due to this that I've managed a change in attitude somewhat. I think losing the weight has boosted my self-esteem immensely and has helped me in achieving my goals for my hobbies like cosplay.

1. I've networked and met so many amazing people this year! 
2. I travelled with Moetron members to two events in the US. 
3. I expanded my following on all platforms - Facebook, Twitter and this blog. (I've surpassed 30 000 pageviews on this blog and 400 followers on my Facebook page.)
4. I've done press and have taken photos for some amazing cosplayers. 
5. I've had my photo featured on Kotaku!  

I'm so thankful that people find my content interesting enough to read or subscribe to. This year I'd like to continue with these goals! However, I want to improve on my cosplay, social networking and my blog.. I want to see if I can make something out of this!

Thank you for another wonderful year and may all your wishes come true. :)

Goals for 2012

Some of my wishes for the new year! I'm going to try my best and improve in these areas!

1. Fashion and style. I want to learn different more hairstyles and expand my makeup collection. I need to learn how to wear different looks, so that I look a little more polished for each occasion. ( ˘･з･) It would also be nice if I could improve my wardrobe a bit.. and buy outfits rather than mix matched pieces.
2. Work habits. I need to quit procrastinating and focus more on my studies. ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ
3. Peace of mind. I want to try and stop getting jealous over small things and start being happy for the achievements of others.  Especially when it comes to looks. ヾ(・ε・。)
4. Lifestyle. Basically stop being a lazy bum and start exercising more often! ┌(_Д_┌ )┐

I think these are the main ones.. but here are some smaller ones that I know I can achieve:

• expand vocabulary and practice speaking correctly.
• be a little more social
• make my blog a little nicer (I think I might need help with that)
• learn my best angles when posing.. learn how to smile in portrait pictures lol

Anyways, here's to wishing you a happy new year! May all your wishes come true.

Until next time!

Thoughts On: My Spirituality

So! I don't think I've ever mentioned this before, but I'm a fairly spiritual person. I find most people who I talk to only hold Christianity (and the rest of those divisions) and not really believing in anything to be the only two topics in the subject. All the time I hear about Christianity in my English classes, which is perfectly reasonable since that particular religion has had a grasp on the Western world for so long. Anyways, I wanted to touch on the topic in order to share a more personal portion of who I am. Perhaps I'll also enlighten you to look on another aspect of your life. Should I even mention that I don't mean to 'convert' anyone, or 'offend' anyone? I believe us all to be reasonable people here!

I searched the word online:

pa·gan (noun)

1. of a people or community observing a polytheistic religion, as the ancient Romans and Greeks.

2.a person who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim.

3.an irreligious or hedonistic person.

When I saw this I laughed. For some reason, I can imagine this word can exist in this sense. And while I fit into both numbers 1) and 2), I don't really pay attention to number 3). Furthermore, it's crazy to just group all of us into one general catagory!

For instance, I believe myself to be someone who shares a certain connection with the natural world. I believe I have the most ties with Druidism mostly (although that was nearly wiped out, so actual little evidence remains). In order to paint a better picture, you may see similarities with Wicca, although Druids don't cast 'spells' perse. They actually share many of the same Gods and Goddesses. They worship the coming and goings of seasons as highly spiritual points in the year (the solstices and equinoxes), as well as many symbolic animals and elements. People have called me tree-huger and 'Mother Earth' throughout high school because I openly expressed my love for this world. I don't mind though, since that's exactly what I'm doing I guess lol.

It's funny though, since my grandparents weren't very religious, my dad doesn't really follow anything either. However, I feel like my mom might have influenced me slightly... Anyways, I guess it's good that I made my own choice about the world.. rather than someone being sucked into something by their parents.

Thoughts on: Flowers & Bushes.

I wonder if I am the flower or the bush.

What determines it? Age? Personality? Wealth? Family? Looks? Dreams?

Is it that I am still vibrant and delicate, as I move on to another year at university... and being 20 years old?
Or is it that I have left the age of being watched and sought after for my looks and instead decide to grow larger, more stable roots that makes me desirable?

When people pass me, do I stand out beside the sea of other people? Or do I blend in because I am not too concerned with my own life?

If I am a bush, I look at the flowers and wish I could be more like a flower.
But if I am a flower, do I really wish to be a bush?

And even if I am a bush, flowers can still grow on me and hide my stems and leaves. I find the idea very rude that, even though flowers have all these assets, they don't find it enough to just keep them. They have to cover up the worth of the bushes so by-passers only see the vibrant flowers.

Always being compared... how can a bush stand up against a flower?

The only comfort I find for bushes, if it is true that I am one, is that there are far less gardeners who have an idea how to take care of flowers than there are gardeners who know what they are doing when they buy a bush.

Thoughts on: Thoughts.

I've always wondered where thoughts came from.

In philosophy we looked at a guy who said that thought was internalized and an actual physical process, where the muscles twitched as if you were silently speaking the words..
My own thoughts strike me as weird, and I don't know if this happens for anyone else. Whenever I think, my voice is projected inside my head, but my thoughts sometimes cut themselves off and I hear an echo. It's very strange and I wonder if maybe it's tied to my habit of stumbling over my words when I speak them.
Since thought is an entirely personal thing, I'm wondering if I think differently than anyone else? Not content wise, but the mechanics of it.

It's kinda like how you'll never know what's wrong with you unless you go to the doctor's.. but I don't think anything is wrong with me..

Are there cases of different personalities, where the person's thoughts are in a different voice from theirs? Do people yell in their thoughts when they're angry? I don't.

Thoughts can also be visual... I remember in grade 9 there was an exercise of free-writing in English class where everyone had 5 minutes to write the uncensored things that came to their minds. I struggled very much with this exercise because I think in pictures.. but my thought-out descriptions stumble over to each other. I wonder if I could have drawn a picture and gotten away with it? When I think, it's more like words accompanying pictures, rather than words creating pictures.

How strange that the concept of thoughts to one person can draw up so many other questions.